Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Agustus Gloop, You are my soulmate!

Day TWO of blogging and I'm already using the blog to rant about something. Niceeeee. Normally I'd be a little less INTENSE as I re-enter the blog-o-sphere but a few things have changed since you heard from me last. For starters-- I'm pregnant. Open and shut case, Johnson! Being preggers has made me a lot more aware of how many opinions I have. (My friends reading this are probs like, "HA! Since when have you NOT voiced your opinion?? It's you who never fails to remind me that I could 'use a little more bronzer!' Or lipgloss...and to not date boys who drink out of straws!!" Touche. Well played, friends. But this is different). Being pregnant means people treat you in a different way (sometimes good, but in today's example...bad) and so now I have a new set of opinions on things. Pregnancy Opinions. (I'm tempted to make this a weekly corner: Pregnancy Opinions with Charlie Nixonsleeve....it has a nice ring to it!). OK, let me explain...

Everyone knows you get bigger when you're pregnant. It's inevitable. Unless you are one of The Chosen Ones, most women get bigger everywhere, not just their stomachs. What I didn't realize is that the general population of humans think it's OK to mention how big you're getting. And not just your "cute little basketball tummy" I'm talking like, "Wow, your legs are getting BIG! You need to watch that!" No joke. Someone said that to me today. My boss. Wait. Really? Is Ashton PUNKING pregnant women now? Because I'm pretty sure that's the worst thing EVER to say to an emotional pregnant lady who, evidently, has big legs. WE GET IT...I've gained 30 lbs (I'm 26 weeks). Glad you've noticed. Those #5 8 packs at Chick-fil-a don't eat themselves, thanks.

And men? Men are worse than women. They all should just pipe down. They haven't a clue what's going on with us, so they should just say nothing. I'm pretty sure my dad will do ANYTHING to avoid talking about how pregnant I look. And why? Because he is wise. Because he knows nothing good comes from talking about women's weight now...or ever.  The only thing men should ask is, "How are you feeling?" or "Can I get you anything?" or better yet, "Would you like fries with that?" Those are man approps questions. My husband who is so cute and lovely has learned through trial and error that when in doubt? Just ask me if I want a Chai Creme Frappuccino. Because that my friends? Is a delicious drink. And will ALWAYS illicit a positive response!
Chai Creme Frapp= What I imagine an angel's tears to taste like. Heaven.

Listen. I'm a first time pregnant woman, and I have a lot of feelings and emotions, and I'm trying to handle all of the changes. I just don't need extra things to think about....like my tree trunk legs.

Here is a pictorial analogy:


Charlie Nixonsleeve*
Agustus Gloop

Charlie Nixonsleeve= Augustus Gloop

Wahhhh!!

OK am I being too sensitive? Has something similar to this ever happened to you? Am I the only one with big legs roaming the earth!? Help!!!

-Charlie

*My friends and I think it's funny to have pregnant women pose with beer

4 comments:

elijah! said...

omg agustus gloop?? i mean he isn't the cutest soulmate you could have but i'll take it. and you don't have tree trunk legs, lady!! SO glad this blog is back in action :)

Leila said...

You're the hottest version of Agustus Gloop I have ever seen in my life! I think you should go buy a sequinned top, wear it out as a dress, and walk around parading your hot legs around the office so your boss knows what's up. I think you know what I'm talking about. There's something to be said for women that can do that. Also, I think we should go get a bag of fried dough (and the real kind from a carnival, not some creeper fish shaped stuff) and talk about how good it is :) xo

Amber said...

What are you talking about? You look beautiful!! I worry about how I will feel when I am pregnant too - but it seems like such a blessing. Amen that men should just pipe down. What do they know!?!?! :)

Trish said...

Amen to Leila! I bet he's like a really heavy hairy man too...how ridiculous. OMG how did you respond!? With a swift punch to the kidney? PS I LOVE YOU AND SIS AND THIS BLOG!!!